Thick fog presses in, blanket heavy. Fear pushes action, avoiding failure the imperative, but its power has been worn down with the days in the week and it is not enough to lift the mantling. Scrape around for excitement, but it is not in this task. Reach for discipline, but it, too, has been used too often. Check time.
Choose another task. Scan email, but it offers no new distraction. Check calendar, nothing to do for next week. Sit and stare into space for a bit. It helps. Check time.
Go back to discipline and it has found some strength. Turn it so it is everything. Turn on music and it moves the flutters of distraction to a distance. Check time. Exert effort and mind shapes like a lens, cold, hard, mechanical; the task becomes centre, but not all. Strong flicks of fear break through: what more important task should I be doing. Scan fears and environment. Nothing calls attention.
Task is analysed, understood. Decision is required. Step onto path to review factors and options. Brain becomes like railtracks, sure, determined, with momentum, scenes seen and then gone. Thinking well, moving between factors and options, seeing one in relation to the other, but never all at once. Strain to see them all, but discipline is not enough to lift the fog that far. Realise that the track is now a circle. Try harder but only achieve circling faster. Check time.
Distraction wins. Look for the brightness of a new thing. An email has arrived. Notice of group get together. Read all of it. Know I cannot go because it is too far away. Leave decline until later in case my decision changes.
Return to task. Avoid tracks. Consult fears instead, with the practice of years. Let fears rise, grab least intimidating. Check time. Start email communicating decision. Build in caveats and excuses. Cannot fail, but can justify. Rewrite to look less self serving. Change decision because writing has caused new insight. Rewrite decision, and excuses. Review fears generated by writing email. No need to change decision. Send.
Paralysed for minutes. Mentally reviewing message sending raised fears. New perspective, on fears, not decision. Reach for keyboard. Discipline urges a stop, which I obey, this time.
Check time.
Two minutes to self appointed permission to go home time. Review calendar for coming week. Nothing to prepare. Ignore fears for next week. Check time. One minute. Read an already read email. Decide two minutes to answer it. Start writing. New perspective seen and fear rises. Check time. Four minutes past leaving time. Guilt floods, wife waiting. Indecision. Check time. Five minutes past leaving time. Fear of disappointing wife wins. Pack up.
Go to toilet. Don’t need to, but fear of being stuck in car. Leave.
Weight drops off shoulders at the door. Climb in car, start and get out of parking. Road home rhythm settles in. Brain scans the day for fears to worry about. Put on audio book.
Peace.
Until the burdens of home.
Charlie Wilkins - a smattering of writings 